Mustard on the Hedge

Tonight I watched “You, Me and Dupree” with a group of friends and it officially sucked ass in terms of plot, dialogue, etc. So why did we watch the entire thing? Why did we enjoy it and discuss it? This movie’s salvation was the hotness of Kate Hudson. I think it’s testament to her smokiness that she actually caused a helicopter crash during the filming of the movie while filming a scene in a bikini! I’d be lucky to cause a 1980’s mini to crash if I jumped out in front of it stark bollock naked!!

Anyway the movie got me thinking about all the movies that were ridiculously bad but were redeemed by the “talents” of the leading lady! So here’s my top five movies that would have been complete flops were it not for some inspired casting!

5. You, Me and Dupree

This is one of those movies where you felt each and every one of the 108 minutes slip by. Kate Hudson marries Matt Dillon but immediately problems arise for the newlyweds when Owen Wilson (the best man) moves in with them. Blah blah blah….this would have been one of those predictable flicks if it were not for Kate Hudson and her assets.

4. D.E.B.S

I have to admit that I love this movie but as I’m being honest I have to declare I watch it purely for Jordana Brewster. Lets face it D.E.B.S relies heavily on it’s cast of hot girls as it’s plot is clearly left wanting- the movie is about special agent schoolgirls who are part of a secret government agency tasked with fighting the worlds baddies!

Jordana Brewster

3. Charlies Angels

Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu AND Cameron Diaz. That’s pretty much all you need to know about this movie. I’m sure you’ve all seen it and know that it’s not going to be competing with Godfather anytime soon. However Drew Barrymore in tight pants will always kick Godfathers ass!

2. Sin City

Ok so I know this movie has a cult following and I appreciate the striking imagery and I know the storyline is quite good but seriously…is Sin City a movie you’re going to watch again and again? Yes but only because of this:

Jessica Alba

1. Blue Crush

I actually found it hard to concentrate on this movie…It was so bad that I may as well have watched it with the sound muted. Surfer chicks surfing….enthralling stuff…yes it is when the surfers are Kate Bosworth and Michelle Rodriguez!

I’m sure there are tonnes of more movies that fall under the “baddy but a goodie” category! One good thing about watching a movie purely for the leading lady is that you’re always guaranteed a happy ending purely because you don’t give a toss about the plot!!!

Ok so the guy won eight gold medals in the Olympics and has the body of a Greek God (if you’re into that kind of thing!) but seriously must everyone fancy Michael Phelps? Reports emerged today that none other than my beloved Firecrotch is besotted with the swimmer.

The Mirror states that Lohan has been “bombarding” Phelps with texts and calls “begging him” for a date. Apparently he even showed friends the texts.

A source said: “It’s become a running joke in his camp. Lindsay has been trying to meet up with him. They’re both going to the MTV Video Music Awards next month so they’ll be sure to see each other properly then.”

Mmmm….The Lindsay Lohan Conundrum continues! She seems happy with Ronson so perhaps all this is just a ridiculous rumour. I mean why would a lesbian wild-child party girl be interested in an Olympic swimmer? It does seem a little far fetched- Particularly since Lohan has been defending Ronson on her personal blog in the last few days and describing her as “a girl who means the world to me”.

Who knows? One thing’s for sure- life is never dull with Lindsay Lohan around!

So I think I’ve finally recovered from the exhaustion brought on by shaking my tail feathers at Manchester Pride. Missing Manchester though. I’ve decided it’s my gay narnia. After a shitty few days at work I find myself constantly imagining sitting in a bar in Manchester and of course the sun is shining and all the girls are lesbians and look like Cheryl Cole!

Anyway, I’ve already told you about the parade and the weekend in general but I didn’t get the chance to go into any detail….so here are some nitty gritties!

On Saturday afternoon we went to one of Manchester’s lesbian bars, Vanilla. This is THE lesbian bar in Manchester and one of the best in the UK (and Ireland for that matter as we don’t have any lesbian bars….sigh…deprived). It was as if Vanilla was a giant girl magnet. The closer you got to the bar the more girls you saw! It was strange though…there is actually a lesbian uniform!

Ok, so everyone makes jokes about lesbians loving their Converse but this was unreal! Imagine a sea of lesbians of all sizes each wearing jeans and trainers of some sort. There wasn’t a bag in sight as, of course, lesbians carry all their crap in their pockets. Now don’t get me wrong - there were a few girly girls, bejewelled wearing nice tops and heels but these were definitely in the minority. At Pride lesbians came in two formats…fitted t-shirt, bench jeans and trainers OR tank top, bench jeans and trainers. I also learned at the weekend that lesbians love accessories….thick bracelets, snazzy chunky watches, patterned scarves and so on. The influence of Shane from the L Word was also blatently apparent as girls with their asses hanging out wearing y-fronts were sauntering around completely absorbed in their strut.

The majority of gay guys also seemed to select from two possible outfits…

1. The Mark Ronson i.e. cardigan, skinny jeans, white shirt, tie and trainers…

2. The ‘look at my naked torso-don’t you want me look’ i.e. Jeans and no shirt.

At one stage I thought I might have to put on my sunglasses to deflect the glare from the guy’s fake tan. Hundreds of men fought a battle with Saint Tropez and Saint Tropez clearly won. Many looked almost radioactive!

The guys and girls did have one thing in common….the “homohawk”…or faux hawk as it’s also known.

Taken from http://weblog.xanga.com

I never realised that there is now an official gay haircut. Seriously! On Sunday we spent hours people watching and the number of guys and girls with the same hairdo was unbelievable. I kinda feel left out with my un-gelled flowing locks…perhaps I should get something edgier?

After Vanilla we did a mini pub crawl and ended up in “Essential” one of Manchester’s largest gay clubs. It was good fun apart from the fact the DJ played a Christmas song….depressing!

I just realised that this week there is nobody that merits receiving a pat on the virtual back via a Golden Thong award…this could be due to my current slightly grumpy mood! So this week there are two Silver Mullet Awards.

1. Madonna

I wish someone would take her aside and explain to her that this…

…is not sexy! The 50 year old kicked off her “Sticky and Sweet” tour in Cardiff last Saturday. At her age I think she should be reaching for her pension as opposed to spandex. I’m not surprised she’s sticky at her age!!!

2. Paris Hilton

Anyone who knows me knows that I reside firmly in the pro-Britney camp. I even thought she was hot when you could see the veins popping on her bald head! If you remember around that time the pair were thick as thieves, partying in Vegas, shopping and all sorts.

Then Britney did her G.I Jane impression and had a meltdown…where did Paris go??? Did she lose Britney’s number? Now as soon as Britney is getting her tricks together again, Paris is back on Britters side.

She has come out today tipping Britney to win an MTV Video Music Award. Britney has been nominated for two awards- Best Female Artist and Best Pop Video for her track “Piece of Me”. Hilton says: “I love Britney. I think she looks so beautiful right now….She’s the best.” Paris officially would do anything to get her name in the papers. Hopefully Britney will tell Paris to stick her “friendly support” where the sun don’t shine!

I’m accepting nominations for the Golden Thong award….suggestions via comments please!

I meant to write this post yesterday but I was too shattered after my weekend, Oh what a weekend I had! A group of us headed over to Manchester for the18th annual Manchester Pride- one of the largest Pride events in Europe and to sum up the weekend in a word….wow!

We arrived on the Saturday morning and, following a shower in the hotel which was a little too invigorating (almost lost a nipple down the drain due to the insane water pressure), we took ourselves off in the direction of “the Village”- the Canal Street area which is the epicentre of gay life in Manchester. The Pride festivities all take place in almost a four block radius around the centre of Canal Street.

I officially love Canal Street….one long row of gay clubs and pubs boardering a sleepy canal. People can go in to a bar and get drinks and then sit outside and soak up the atmosphere and people-watch the hours away.

The Pride Parade took over the city for two hours as thousands thronged to get a glimpse of buttocks coated in glitter, 87 floats and too many gharish costumes to count. A record breaking number of homosexual police officers took part in the parade- 300 of them- apparently a record for a parade of this kind. Check out some of the parade here:

I’ve been to other Pride festivals where men far out number the women but not in Manchester. I’ve never seen so many hot lesbians in one location- girls everywhere should consider a pilgrimage. There is a different vibe around Manchester Pride as compared to Dublin or Sydney Pride which I attended recently. Manchester doesn’t have the outlandish, circus, camp-tastic people that Sydney Mardi-Gras has. In fact it is actually more like attending a music festival, except a festival at which all the attendees are gay.

Everyone was so chilled…basking in the sun in their wife-beaters with a pint of beer! It was so refreshing to see couples of all ages, colours, shapes and sizes being affectionate in public. There were also a large number of same-sex couple with their kids walking around enjoying themselves which you rarely see in Ireland.

The fashion at Pride was amazing. I’ve concluded that there is a lesbian uniform and a gay uniform…but more on the latest in homo-fashions in my next post. I’ll also write about the clubs and pubs we dipped our toes into. Coffee is required now…In the meantime check out some pictures from the weekend and if any of you attended a pride festival recently let me know your thoughts on it…did it live up to expectations?

I saw this video today and I can’t decide whether it’s:

(A) The worst advert of all time

(B) The most ridiculous/useless/uncool product of all time

(C) The worst product name of all time

(D) Just plain funny

Check it out:

Perhaps this would work better if the bear was substituted with a celebrity soft toy…you could drive around with Barrack Obama nestled in your bosom, or Sarah Shahi….at least then it would be funny.