Mustard on the Hedge

So you’ve been with her a while when she says “lets move in together”. You get chest pains…the word “commitment” is ringing in your ears and you feel your chest get tighter and you have a sudden overwhleming urge to go to the pub. Then you chat to some friends and they tell you you’ve got your knickers in a twist over nothing, you’re a great couple…you should sooo do it. You’ve gone through all the possible issues in your head before hand and gone through the check list:

- Who sleeps on what side of the bed? Well if you’ve been dating for more than five minutes you’ve marked you’re territory on the side nearest the door…to facilitate late night toilet trips!

- Putting the toilet seat down after using it- A non-starter in lesbian relationships unless somebody has the worlds best kept secret!

- Household chores- who does what? This I found pretty much sorts itself out. For example I don’t clean the toilet/bath…I actually thought that squirting toilet cleaner in it sufficed. Apparently it does not. I’m in charge of garbage disposal as my other half wouldn’t actually see the mound of crap which is slowly devouring the kitchen even if there were rats, dump trucks queing up outside and flies circling her head. So after the initial loved up few weeks you each start doing the chores you can handle and bar the odd tiff, that sorts that.

- Who cooks? I think there is a global standard on this one which is one night on, one night off. The only exception being if the other person has had a particularly shit day down the mines!

- Who gets to watch what? If you’ve got more than three functioning neurons you’ll pick your battles when it comes to the war of the remote. Both people will have programmes they particularly like and so can each watch their own. Issues only arise when it comes to a programme clash. In this case you need to weigh up whether you want to watch your programme or gain a brownie point. Chances are the show is repeatedd so in this case you get into the good books and get to see your show.

Just a few boxes

But here’s the big thing that you never think of….well at least I didn’t and nobody told me either. Pre-moving in together you’ve your own space. You have your own clothes, your own tv/stereo,etc and your own bits and bobs (a hat you got travelling in Thailand, a statue you picked up in Malta, etc) and so you pack all this crap up and move in together. Now this is where the shit hits the fan. Where does all your stuff go? I mean she has all this stuff too and now there’s only a one bed apartment or small house to fit all this stuff in. What happens with warddrobes and shelves. Who’s paintings get put on the walls? You never discuss this stuff before the move and then one year later you’re sleeping in a room with a double bed and two wardrobes piled to the roof with boxes and bin liners full of you’re combined excess.

When you’re so worried about whether or not to move in and whether you’ll kill each other over chores noone ever thinks about the logistics of the move. Anyone with advice on this please leave a comment as at this very moment I feel like the boxes are closing in on me!