Mustard on the Hedge

With all that’s happened recently there’s been a break in flagging the Golden Thong (person to get a virtual high five) and Silver Mullet (person to get a kick in the ass) of the week. So let’s get back on track.

This week’s Golden Thong goes to English lesbian soldier, Kerry Fletcher.

Kerry Fletcher

Fletcher endured sexual harassment by a male sergeant, brought her case to the employment tribunal last year and won, receiving £400,000 compensation. However she was forced to resign last February after winning the case, despite having served in the Army’s Royal Artillery for 10 years. Last Wednesday she received an apology from the British Ministry for Defence.

Monica Carss-Frisk QC, representing the Ministry, said: “Can I just make it clear I do, on behalf of the MoD, offer an apology for the conduct that led to your findings.”

Heart felt I’m sure. Well done Kerry for kicking some ass.

Silver Thong goes to Miriam Margolyes, the English lesbian actress better known as ‘Professor Sprout’ from ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’.

Miriam Margolyes (image from PA via telgraph.co.uk)

As an out lesbian in the public eye you would expect Margolyes to be supportive of the gay community and encourage those struggling with their sexuality to be true to themselves, as she was, and come out. Nope. What does good ol’ Mir do? What were the pearls of wisdom she delivered to all those cowering in the closet?

The 67 year old told BBC Radio 4’s ‘Desert Island Discs’ programme that she deeply regretted telling her mother she was a lesbian as the pain of hearing this news caused her Mum to have a stroke just three days after hearing the news. Hmm Miriam…have you heard of unfortunate coincidences?

So what does Miriam say to those hiding their sexual identity? Answer…Well done…you should “keep such things to yourself”…and people say there is a shortage of role models!?!

Clearly Miriam was not told that those older than us are supposed to be wiser. (However clearly there was no truth in the phrase “with age comes beauty” for Margolyes either)

Last night we all gathered on the sofa to watch ‘Raw’, the new RTE drama, poised and eagerly awaiting the ‘lesbian’ scene. Was it worth the wait? Judging by the bitter smell of disappointment in the air (mmm…I hope that’s disappointment…) the answer would be no.

The editors have snared viewers by giving two or three ’shock scenes’ per episode…and that was what this was…an irrelevant scene plopped in the middle of an episode, sandwiched between a man drinking a shot glass of sperm and a gay Czech man displaying his ‘mini-me’. Let me recap it for you:

JoJo (Charlene McKenna), commis chef at the restaurant ‘Raw’ was having a rough day. Things only got worse when there was a mix-up with the meat order and JoJo was instructed to use her womanly wiles to percure a slab of beef. Enter the lesbian meat supplier, Katherine (Olga Wehrly)…ah witty irony.

Unfortunately Katherine ain’t got no beef (surprise surprise) but she does ask JoJo out for a drink. JoJo’s accepts her offer when her day falls apart…she’s ignored by the guy she loves. So where do they meet…Panti Bar. What?

The last time I was in Panti Bar there were five sets of breasts in the building, including those of my friend and I. It’s run by Ireland’s most famous drag queen, Panti, and is a fave spot for gay guys over 25. Not exactly a lesbian hot spot by any stretch of the imagination!

This scene was educational though. JoJo was barely sitting on the bar stool when Katherine starts preening her hair and applying make-up. So that’s where I was going wrong. Nobody told me that the lesbian art of seduction on the first date began with blusher!?

Clearly JoJo realised that it was first step blusher…second step U-haul and said to Katherine:

“You’re not going all lezzer on me are you?”

Katherine replies…”Sweetie, I am all lezzer”.

Mmm….What Irish lesbians say ’sweetie’? The show’s writers must be confusing Olga Wehrly’s dialogue

Olga Wehrly

with that of Carson Kressley from Queer Eye…

Carson Kressley

You can understand where they’d have difficulty. Perhaps they should tune in to the L Word on Channel 6!

Anyway JoJo gets in a fight with two straight homophobic girls in the bar and gets herself thrown out by a Panti doused in glitter. On the way home Katherine makes her move on JoJo and then…hallelujah…we get a tame kiss which lasts a matter of seconds and off went the lesbian meat supplier into the night! Well I suppose Rome wasn’t built in a day…today a tame three second kiss…tomorrow the Irish version of the L Word!

Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls played in The Academy in Dublin last Saturday night. I didn’t go myself because I was zonked from the epic cross-country journey to rescue our new kitten. However I’ve heard nothing but good reports about the gig. A friend called over this evening still buzzing with excitement about it and proudly wearing her Amanda Palmer Tour t-shirt (that she paid waaay too much for!). She left the gig excited and sweaty, carrying a CD and a humongous crush on Amanda.

Palmer identifies as bisexual and has stated that she tends to like “really femmey girls”. This is the glimmer of hope my friend is holding on to… although I doubt that Amanda will be setting up house in Dublin anytime soon! After my friend left this evening I googled Ms Palmer because I was convinced that I must be confusing her for someone else as I don’t remember her being hot…

From http://www.ica.org.uk

From http://www.alicebag.com

Nope…she may be a rockin’ chick but my verdict…not hot. Am I missing something?

Perhaps some progress is being made in the minds of the Irish masses. New TV series ‘Raw‘ has enthralled viewers for the past two weeks. We’ve already seen vivid oral sex scenes, full frontal nudity, drugs galore and offensive language on the show in the last three episodes. Most readers outside Ireland are probably thinking ’so what?’… but if you had to endure decades of poorly acted drivel that have graced Irish TV screens, you would be on your knees, kissing your tv with joy at the fact Raw has finally broke the mould of previously bland and ’safe’ Irish-produced shows.

The series is set in a Dublin city restaurant and follows the lives and loves of the staff. Tonight’s episode will no doubt ’shock the nation’ as it will feature a lesbian kiss between actresses Charlene McKenna and Olga Wehrly.

Charlene McKenna and Olga Wehrly- image from SundayWorld.com

According to McKenna: “The kissing scene was fine, me and Olga just had a good giggle about it and got on with it.” The couple pay a visit to Panti Bar, a Dublin city gay bar, are thrown out and then share “a lingering French kiss”.

Of course Irish TV viewers will have seen lesbian kisses, although only on imported shows, but I can’t recall another Irish-made drama with a lesbian scene…if you know of one let me know!

Raw Lesbian Kiss

The Irish Independent wrote a piece expressing surprise at the fact there have been no complaints to RTE (TV station) or to the Broadcast Commisioner following the last two ‘explicit’ episodes. A spokesperson for RTE said: “We wanted to address the reality of a group of twenty-somethings living in Ireland today and illustrate how their relationships work, all the ups and downs, and the drama that unfolds in their lives, and sex is an integral part of that.”

It will be interesting to see if tonight’s episode attracts complaints. The show will air tonight at 9.55pm on RTE2…check it out.

I currently reside at Number 1 Homosexual Heights with my girlfriend of three point something years (I’m constantly reminded of the importance of the “point something” and will no doubt be reprimanded for not knowing what the something is!) and a guy who is a Sex and the City addict (modern day code for gay boy!). Now… the house isn’t painted in rainbow colours and we don’t parade out into the back garden in the morning to raise the Pride flag at dawn. However we do engage in regular bonding sessions….trips to the pub, nights out, evenings in with some DVD box sets (unfortunately we can’t get him to watch the L Word but that’s a whole other post!).

I would highly recommend that you get a live-in gay guy…I don’t believe in the image of gay men perpetrated in the media, the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” gay man who is doused in culture, a great cook and an impeccable dresser. However in my experience a lot of them do love to cook and love to eat! Mine fancies himself as a chef and so we regularly have fab Friday nights in experiencing his various culinary delights. This Friday we had Coq au Vin.. and yes we’ve already heard the ‘lesbians eating Coq’ jokes so unless it’s a fab one you needn’t bother! Of course when having Coq au Vin you must have wine…in our case 6 bottles of red… and then dance the night away. Gay… so gay?

In the midst of the alcoholism I received a text from a friend of a friend who had rescued three kittens from drowning (awful I know….awful that they were to be drowned…not that they were rescued). Of course at 2am full of Coq and wine adopting a kitten seemed like a great idea…actually if someone had dropped a llama at the door I’d have probably taken it in and offered it a seat. Anywho my girlfriend LOVES animals and so, regardless of the fact I poured into bed at 6am, she had me up bright ‘n’ early the next morning (ok it was midday) to drive half-way across Ireland get a kitten.

Yes the lesbian cliche is alive and well. I live with two homo’s, two gerbils (Ellen and Portia…but of course) and now two cats (well one cat and a kitten). Our house is slowly becoming a strange adaptation of Noah’s Ark! We drove 4 hours…each way…to get the latest housemate in Homosexual Heights. Was it worth it? Yes. The kitten is beyond cute….a little ball of fluff we’ve named Corkie. Check her out:

Corkie

How to top off a weekend replete with clichés? By lounging around watching Will and Grace and Sex and the City with takeout and chocolate….ahh…

What a difference a day makes they say. Or in this case, what a difference 12 days make! Since I went home I’ve been out of radio contact. No internet, no papers for almost two weeks. I logged on briefly a few days ago but that was it. A brief blip of connectivity. I was surrounded by people specialising in the art of small talk and so today it was as if I emerged from a bunker. It’s a welcome distraction scanning the net and getting up to speed again…or trying to.

So far I’ve learned that someone pressed flush on the Irish Economy- We are now in the midst of recession and the banks are rattling their own piggybanks and discovering all that remains is dust. The Government have had to guarantee people’s money is safe…but only up to the value of €100,000. Good thing I’d the foresight to be broke.

I also learned that I missed a very gay week….perhaps the gayest…in the land of celebrity.

First Lindsay Lohan came out and stood by her relationship with Samantha Ronson. But then, as is consistent with the Sam/Firecrotch saga there is another twist in the tale as Lindsay did a u-turn in front of the closet and headed right back in to sit between the pantsuit and the hotpants. Lindsay’s publicist has now stated that Lindsay didn’t come out and that it was a cased of crossed wires…Lindsay was only confirming a friendship!

Jesus. Let’s examine the evidence:

Loveline DJ: “You guys, you and Samantha, have been going out for how long now?” Lohan laughed. The DJ continued: “Like two years, one year, five months, two months…?”

Lohan: “A very long time.”

Mmm. It’s clear the DJ said…how long have you been going out? Lindsay responded. Where could the confusion have arisen?

I got all excited when I read the news. I thought ‘about time’. Now I’m thinking come on Lindsay…find a backbone. Maybe she had some Dutch courage when on-air and then in the cool light of day had second thoughts about her declaration. If you look at her actions and comments in the past few weeks you could be forgiven for thinking that Lindsay was growing in confidence. She speaks regularly of Samantha on her blog and has even slated Sarah Palin refering to her position on gay rights saying: “I couldn’t be more supportive of a woman in office, but let’s face it, it comes down to the person, and their beliefs, male or female. Is it a sin to be gay? Should it be a sin to be straight?”

Perhaps Lindsay is a victim of her management team? Regardless she should check out all the well wishers and congratulators on the net and then find her voice again. Anyway I think we can finally put the “is she or isn’t she debate” to rest.

Then Clay Aiken finally came out, of course on the cover of People, and proclaimed that he is a proud gay father. Clay is gay….gasp…no way! I didn’t see that coming! Aiken said: “It was the first decision I made as a father, I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things. I wasn’t raised that way, and I’m not going to raise a child to do that.” Mmm…if you weren’t raised that way why not come out publicly sooner? Anyway…well done Clay. Perhaps you can go clubbing with Kelly Clarkson..oh wait…Kelly isn’t gay.