Mustard on the Hedge

Last week I went on my first double date. I referred to it in another post and Jul over at GrrlPlanet called me on it- requesting the 411.. so Jul- your wish is my command!

The story begins with a girl- lets call her Maude. Maude has been in a relationship with another girl for 5 years- lets call her Patty. They’ve had quite an on-again-off-again relationship, one which saw Maude have a “thing” with my gf….BEFORE we got together…and most recently saw Maude dump Patty for a tumultuous relationship with another girl (she doesn’t feature after this so we’ll leave her mysteriously known as ‘girl’). Patty was devastated but there was nothing she could do.

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Andrex- the toilet paper guru’s- have conducted a survey which reveals that Lisa Snowdon (English model and TV personality) has the bum that men find most attractive. It is indeed a fine specimen!

Lisa Snowdon

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Last night I proudly dispelled the common myth that with lesbianism comes a penchant for DIY. Those bandying around lesbian stereotypes would have you believe it’s similar to being blind and having an enhanced sense of smell- you lose you lust for men and gain an above average desire to “do odd jobs” and wear a tool belt.

We’ve had issues with the handle on our bedroom door since moving in to our new house months ago. First it was a little loose and so we gingerly opened and closed the door. Then the handle fell off. Did we fix it…no. We were too busy with other things so much so that we adapted. To leave the bedroom involved picking up (or more often, finding) the handle on the floor and placing it on the lever-thingy sticking out of the door. Following this a complex sequence of pushing, lifting and pulling motions- all to be performed with one hand and at pace for best results- were required, while clawing the door open with your free hand. It sounds like an ordeal but it’s surprising how quickly irritation can fade into indifference (even when bursting to pee late at night) when the alternative involves driving to the hardware shop, selecting a matching lock and replacing the entire handle/lock mechanism.

However last night my girlfriend asked me to finally fix the door as her parents are visiting this weekend. So last night at 11pm I had put the task off long enough and took myself, and a tiny blue screwdriver that looks as if it came free with a Happy Meal, upstairs to do battle with the door. It all went surprisingly well at first. The old handle mechanism was removed in a jiffy and I began putting in the new system begining with the outside of the room. At this stage I was hot from all my manual labour and so, in traditional workmen style, I took off my top. Inserting the screws on the other side of the door was proving difficult, partly due to the fact my hand was sore from trying to manoeuvre the World’s tiniest screwdriver! So I closed the door.

Holy Shit was the result! With no handle on the inside we were stuck in the room. The front door of the house was locked, dead bolted and chained. Back door and all windows locked. Two lesbians and one tiny screwdriver locked upstairs.

After a period of kicking myself and ignoring my girlfriends ‘how stupid are you’ looks, we began discussing how we’d get out. ‘Call the fire brigade’ was her suggestion. ‘No way’, was my response. How long would it take for those jokes to stop…an eternity. My plan? Tie the chords on two dressing gowns (bath robes), tie them around my waist and jump from the first floor window with my gf easing me towards the ground and providing emergency support. This was greeted with more ‘for **** sake’ looks.

Then, as panic subsided, common sense was restored. I decided to pick up the mini-screwdriver I’d hurled across the room minutes earlier and head back to battle with the door. After removing all the screws I’d previously installed, refitting the inside part of the door and praying…we were free.

My girlfriend huffed her way off to prepare for bed while I banished the mini screwdriver to its rightful place- Deep in the cupboard under the stairs- beside Harry Potter, unused cleaning products, spare duvets, vacuum cleaner and a hoard of other miscellaneous crap.

So evidently, not all lesbians have a toolbelt hanging on a hook in their workshop. Some cannot even be trusted with a mini-screwdriver without almost causing an emergency.

Random fact of the day: The fertility cycle of a lap dancer affects her tip-earning potential.

Yes that’s right…re-read that…take a moment to process it. This is fact. Not only fact but SCIENTIFIC fact- the best kind of fact.

Geoffrey Miller, Joshua Tyber and Brent Jordan proved this and won the Ig Nobel Prize for Economics for their troubles. The awards are the spoof alternatives to the Nobel Prize “intended to honor achievements that first make people laugh, and then make them think.”

So how did they come up with this interesting fact? They got 18 dancers to record their menstrual periods, work shifts, and tip earnings for 60 days on a study web site. According to their scientific paper this 60 days constituted 296 work shifts and about 5300 lap dances….not bad girls…my lap dancing record is 5301.

This paper reveals an unbelievable amount of information about the ‘dancers’. Such as:

• They perform topless but not bottomless; law requires them to wear underwear, bikinis, or similar garments to cover the pubis. Am I having a dumb moment or what other “similar garment” could there be??
• They can wear tampons with strings clipped short or tucked up.
• Dancers typically wear very little perfume, but they often have breast implants, dye their head hair, trim their pubic hair, shave their legs and underarms, and adopt a “stage name” different from their real first name.
• The average work shift lasted 5.2 hours, usually starting between 5 and 10 p.m. and ending between midnight and 4 a.m.
• Average earnings were US$248.73 per shift with lap dances yielding an average of about US$14, this average earnings level of about US$250 reflects about 18 dances per shift.

The study found that when the stripper was ovulating or “in heat” they earned more…about US$335 per 5 hour shift. In the two weeks after this they earned about US$260 and when they were menstruating they earned US$185 per shift.

So “Aunt Flo and Cousin Red coming to visit” / “having the painters and decorators in” / “surfing the crimson tide” can hit you in the pocket if you’re a stripper.

These guys needed PhD’s from Stanford to figure out that when you’re “on the rag” you don’t feel at your sexiest…in fact you often feel like crap and want to wear things 4 sizes to big for you, tape a hot water bottle to your nethers and wallow. You do NOT want to give random guys a lapdance or swing around a pole wearing just a thong….actually you don’t want to wear a thong full stop!

Apparently the scientists believe that this is proof that women can be in heat, men can sense it and they reveal they’re amouresness by slipping one’s into the womans thong and paying $18 dollars for a lapdance…and they say homosexuals will cause the demise of the human race! The scientists state that women “signal” or “leak” cues of their fertility status, and these cues influence spending patterns by male consumers. These results argue against the view that human estrus (ovulating/being in heat) evolved to be lost or hidden from males.

It adds weight to the fact that when it’s “that time” of the month you should get into bed and pull the duvet cover over your head as people can probably sense that you’re at your least appealing…no amount of makeup or trendy outfits can help as you are likely to be “leaking” that unsexy vibe from your pores (at least I hope it’s your pores!).

I wonder if a similar study is planned or has been carried out on lesbians? I mean- if you went out on the town and hit the top (or the bottom for that matter) lesbian bars would you have more luck with the ladies? Try it and report back in 60 days!

I saw this video today and I can’t decide whether it’s:

(A) The worst advert of all time

(B) The most ridiculous/useless/uncool product of all time

(C) The worst product name of all time

(D) Just plain funny

Check it out:

Perhaps this would work better if the bear was substituted with a celebrity soft toy…you could drive around with Barrack Obama nestled in your bosom, or Sarah Shahi….at least then it would be funny.

This is hilarious…get your cats…get your fresh cats!!!

Who would have thought it….I’m living the cliche! Ahhh!

I’m a reformed commitment-phobe and have been living my girlfriend for over a year. Hated cats. Met a girl who loved cats. So yep for sure I got a cat! I’m sure it’s all down to some dormant genes or something. You’re dating and next thing “ding ding ding” commitment and cats. I’m telling you….watch your back….the stereotype just kinda sneaks up on you.