Mustard on the Hedge

So it’s freezing cold and every radio station and newspaper columnist is talking about how we’ll be on a diet of gruel or, on special occasions, bread and dripping, before Summer. Never fear. Lindsay Lohan has brought some cheer to an otherwise gloomy morning….well if you’re a LiLo fan that is.

She wrote on her MySpace blog:

“little piece of TRUE information:

we did NOT break up!”

Romance is alive and well and it’s thrashing hotel rooms!

The saga continues…Access Hollywood is reporting that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have broken up. To be honest I’m hoping this isn’t true. I was kinda rooting for the pair of them to defy the odds, withstand the paparazzi and endless gossip and ride off into the sunset on white horses between Ellen and Portia.

However it looks like Lindsay may be riding solo from now on. The infamous ’source close to the couple’ said that Lindsay has packed up her old kit bag and moved out of the house she shared with Ronson.

Lindsay’s sister Ali Lohan is supposed to be moving in with her to support her through the breakup. She’ll probably need the support as she’s being painted as ‘the crazy redhead’ Cruella DeVille character in this story…driving poor Samantha to literal exhaustion. Mmm…From what I can see since the couple confirmed their relationship, Lohan has said she loves Samantha and ‘cares about her deeply’. She’s been by her side through all her gigs and they seemed happy. That said is there ever smoke without Firecrotch?

Lindsay stated adamantly that if the pair ever broke up she’d declare it on her MySpace blog and there hasn’t been a peep out of her yet. Fingers crossed she’ll come out and say it’s all just bullshit.

When it comes to Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson there is always some debate raging in the media. First it was the ‘is she or isn’t she’ saga. Then the ‘is it a publicity stunt’ debate. And , most recently, the media decided to analyse every facet of the relationship and await its demise as the ‘they’re on the verge of splitting up’ stories hit the press on a weekly basis.

Photo by: KCSPresse / Splash News Online

Christmas can be a tough time for relationships. Spending Christmas Day apart or with your in-laws can make anyone turn to the mulled wine for comfort or fling some brussel sprouts at a particularly annoying relative. If you believe what you read it’s been a tough Christmas for Firecrotch. As well as having to deal with every aspect of her relationship being media fodder, she has to deal with her ‘peach’ of a dad who took a break from trying to attack Sam over Christmas to drop a bombshell on the family. Lindsay wrote on her blog:

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It was minus two degrees when I got up this morning. I’m now sitting at my desk, slowly regaining the feeling in my toes…as for my nipples- they fell off some where between picking up the Metro and getting my morning Grande Americano.

So while I was thawing out and delaying-the-inevitable-work scout around online I came across this. I know many of you have been deeply concerned and frankly, not able to perform at your peak since you heard that Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan were, literally, at each other’s throats. Well Lindsay apparently has gotten sick of the rumours and wrote this on her blog yesterday:

“rumors.. just to clear this up.. because i have been getting a lot of emails asking me this one question.

samantha ronson and lindsay lohan (me) are NOT breaking up”

Phew! Is it getting warmer in here or is that news warming the cockles of my heart!?

There are some things I just don’t want to imagine. For example:

• Being so broke that I have to live on bread and water and recycle teabags, hanging them on the clothesline to dry.
• My granny having sex.
• Waking up naked in bed beside Amy Winehouse.

Tonight I added another to my ever-expanding list- Samantha Ronson doing an erotic dance. Shudder.

According to reports Samantha Ronson and LIndsay Lohan were in Dubai at the grand opening of the man-made island Palm Jumeirah and The Palm Resort. Samantha Ronson was invited to DJ at the after party and once again Sam and FireCrotch had a public tiff. You’d never know trouble was a-brewing from their smiles upon arrival.

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Those of you who have been keeping track of the Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson saga over the past few months may have thought since Lindsay came out (but then went back in with a helpful shove from her publicist) that all would be quiet in the land of LiLo. Nope.

Today two conflicting reports have emerged- one stating that the celesbian couple’s relationship is in trouble and the other which says that the two are now engaged. Chalk and cheese or what!? Celebrity gossip mongering is clearly alive and well and thriving on Firecrotch! So which do you believe:

(A) On their recent trip to Mexico, Samantha Ronson proposed to Lindsay with a $99,867 Cartier diamond ring.

Lindsay and Sam soaking up the sun

A source at the Esperanza hotel told Britain’s Star magazine: “Sam brought Lindsay down at 9pm to a huge dining table laid out by the water’s edge. Sam really went all out and even arranged for a group of Mexican singers to entertain them with songs.”

“It was a gorgeous ring with a big diamond that Sam had bought before the holiday. Sam asked her if she would marry her and the waiter popped a champagne cork as Lindsay accepted.”

How sweet…if it’s true.

(B) Lindsay and Samantha’s relationship has hit a patch of turbulence…the oxygen masks have not yet dropped but the cabin crew look shifty!

Reports claim that the couple’s recent trip to Mexico was not for sun, sea and scrabble but rather an attempt to patch things up. However their little jaunt didn’t work as the couple have been “bickering constantly” since they came back.

Apparently Lindsay is commiting relationship suicide by becoming too clingy. A source said “Sam needs her space away from Lindsay. Samantha DJ’ed three big parties around the Emmy weekend in Los Angeles, and Lindsay was practically on top of her for every minute of those gigs.”

Samantha is also apparently not keen on the attention they’re receiving as a result of being a hot celebrity couple- “Sam’s known for being shy,” according to “the source”, “This high profile ‘celebrity romance’ is never been something Sam’s willing to embrace.”

Mmm…from what I can gather Ronson is making out like a bandit off the back of her relationship with Lindsay. She appears happy whenever they’re snapped together and her DJing career has gotten a jolt since news of her and Lindsay hit the press. Surely if the pair were constantly bickering we’d have heard it before now. My thoughts- they’re engaged and a jealous Courtenay Semel is spreading rumours that they’re on the verge of breaking up! It could be true….